Resolutions for the New Year

As we enter the New Year, most of us will be making resolutions. Many will want to lose weight, stop smoking or change a negative habit. I am resolving to change my speech patterns to more socially acceptable language, you know, what I can say in front of my grandson. I am also resolving to blog at least twice a week, more often if there are questions to answer or something important to say.
There is an activity that we all can resolve to participate in, keeping closer contact with our aging relatives and friends. A quick phone call or e-mail to see how things are as well as a visit when possible will help our aging relatives to keep up with how the world is doing. We will also be in a better position to keep up with changes in our relatives' status. This is also a chance to take note of subtle shifts in abilities or areas where we need assistance.
It is hard for aging relatives to ask for help with home maintenance, shopping or handling money. Stepping up to volunteer for day to day help will often be appreciated. You may need to be sneaky in how you offer to help but if you have good communications things should go smoothly. If you don't have good communications, there is no time like the present to begin to build to a better state.

Back Again Finally

It has been too long since I have published anything on this blog. It it very hard to keep up with posts without any feedback. I will be posting again starting with the New Year, hoping to post at least twice a week. Please make comments on what you have read. What lead you to this blog? Did you find the information helpful? Is there a topic you would like to learn more about?

MERRY CHRISTMAS to all and a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Listening to Our Aging Relatives

Listening is something we all think we are doing all the time. Multitasking by texting while we are also in a conversation or playing a game on the computer while we are on the phone may lead to incomplete understanding of what was said. This can be especially a problem if we are having a conversation with our aging relatives.
We need to be present in mind as well as in body when we are talking with our relatives, friends and acquaintances. Listening is an active process. Paying attention to what is being said, noting non-verbal clues and knowing what has already been said in the conversation are all ways to listen actively. Do not think of your reply before the other person stops speaking. Ask for clarification of a statement that was made. Restate something or paraphrase it to be sure that you understood. All of these practices will improved communication.
Another thing we need to keep in mind while we are talking with our aging relatives is that they do usually have something to say. They have many years of experience and may provide a new point of view to enliven the discussion. They may also be giving you an opening to discuss uncomfortable issues such as money concerns, safety concerns or end of life issues. How they feel about the last days of a friend or relative can give you a hint about how they want to be treated.
We also need to allow them to be happy, sad, fearful, angry or any other emotion that presents itself. Nodding and making "listening noises" (I see, and then what happened, really!?) will encourage them to share what is really going on. You need to acknowledge how your relative is feeling about an issue, do not assume that they want you to fix whatever is wrong and do not try to minimize what they are feeling.

Coping With the First Crisis

There will come a time when it is impossible to ignore that someone is no longer able to continue to be the independent person they have been in the past. The call comes in that Mother or Daddy has fallen, had a stroke or some other crisis has occurred. Rest assured that you and your other family members will cope with the decisions that need to be made. The conversation will be underway whether or not you or your loved ones are prepared.  If you are lucky the crisis will be a small pothole, not a washed out bridge. If you have had the conversations before the crisis, you will be making decisions with more information and some things will have been decided ahead of time.

Finding the most suitable living arrangement - Part 3

More about the ongoing saga of KS. We went to a continuous care facility on Friday and got a good look at the Assisted Living part of the campus. There are apartments for independent living and a nursing home area for those who need more intense care. It is a lovely facility but not really for KS.
Even though KS has the resources to enter this facility there are issues. The way I found out about this issues was by taking the time to listen to her. Listening to our aging relatives is the best way to understand what they want, what they fear and what they find uncomfortable. In the case of the LG continuous care facility, KS felt that they were too far from the geographic area with which she is familiar (10 miles is too much for her) and the facility has a religious basis that is more rigid than KS would find comfortable.
KS told me all of these things indirectly at first and then more directly when I asked for her opinion directly. If we take the time to ask questions and then listen attentively to the reply we will be able to be supportive of our loved ones need for independence as well as our need for them to be safe. They must be as actively involved in the decision process as they are able.

Emergency preparedness, more than just scouting

I haven’t posted anything in several days because I have been focused on the news from Japan and worrying about the family of friends living there as well as the people of Japan in general. We, as a nation, have come to be friends and allies with our former opponents and we find ourselves trying to find ways to help in a nuclear event that is not of our making.

One thing that has been evident in so many of the news stories is that the Japanese are helping each other with great generosity of spirit, no one appears to be taking advantage of the chaos by looting and caring for and protecting the elderly is as much a priority as caring for the children. This is an example of how each member of the community is valued.

Another thing that has been mentioned time and again is that the Japanese have taken personal responsibility to have emergency supplies. This is a very good idea for all of us to imitate. Now is an excellent time to sit down with all of our relatives and work out what supplies need to be available in the home (check abcnews.com for a fundamental list) and plan for how we would find each other again after a disaster. This would need to be tailored to fit the types of disasters that are more likely in your area. I don’t expect tornadoes on the East or West coast but they are so very common in the Midwest. Earthquakes are a significant concern on the West coast but are not unheard of in the rest of the country. The flood plains are well identified and flash floods occur with alarming speed in the Southwestern deserts. Your emergency plans and supplies need to take this into account.

Aging Relatives - One or Two?

As we age we will lose one parent before the other, most of the time. What will become clear at that time is that there is a different dynamic between caring (providing help) for both parents and providing the same or similar help for the remaining parent.
When both parents are still alive, they will be helping each other and maybe moving into new roles within their relationship. If Mother becomes ill, Daddy may find himself taking on the activities of daily life that she has usually been able to complete. This may be cooking, cleaning and other activities traditionally taken by women. If Daddy is ill, Mother may be taking on (or attempting to take on) maintenance for the house, keeping the car in good condition and any other task that Daddy usually completed. The bottom line is; if one parent becomes ill, the other will probably take on all of the activities of daily life while trying to provide care for the sick person. They will both need help with this, especially if they are still working. Be aware of the need and offer to help support the well parent and maybe take some responsibility for caring for the ill parent. The tricky issue here it to find the right amount of help to give.
After one parent dies, caring for the remaining parent is a different matter. You will be able to be sure that your remaining parent (statistically more likely to be your Mother) is trying to do it all alone. Knowing what part of the day to day tasks have not been easy for the remaining parent will help you to decide what type of help to offer. It is also to be remembered that you are not intruding in a relationship if you are caring for one remaining parent. There is still a dance to do but the steps will change.
These concerns will also apply to other aging relatives. If you are in the position to help other relatives, whether they are single or in a long term relationship your help will need to shift around that relationship.  It is well to have the conversation early and at intervals along the way.

Talking About Future Plans Part 2

You may be lucky enough that your family members are willing to discuss how they feel about financial matters, medical issues and legal concerns. If this is not the case, medical issues are easier to bring up when there is some sort of crisis. This can be the bump in the road or the pothole that could swallow a semi. Either way, be sure that you don’t bypass the opportunity.

Other opportunities to start the discussion can be taken from the news of the day, events in the lives of their friends or events in your own life. It is possible for you to reference the news event and ask your family for their take on what is happening. You will usually get how they would like things to be handled from the answer. If they won’t discuss things this is at least some information.

Talking About Future Plans

I have been posting about a wide variety of topics that need to be addressed with those we expect to care for and with those we can hope will care for us. One situation that comes up regularly when I am speaking with friends or giving a presentation is that the person in mind is stubbornly declining to discuss anything. This is a significant challenge to most of us.

While it is important to discuss these issues we may need to approach the opportunity from the side instead of the front. Ask your relative why he or she is reluctant to discuss a particular issue. Be sure that you listen to concerns, fears and desires. Addressing this as we go and acknowledging their need to be independent and our need for them to be safe will usually open the door to discussion or at the least unlock it.

Why the blog?

There are many issues that need to be addressed in order to be sure that we know what our aging relatives want and to be sure that those who will be caring for us are well informed. These are generally divided into seven topics; medical social, legal, financial, end of life concerns, safety and day to day concerns. This blog is intended to help people find the questions that should be addressed and to point up potential way to begin the conversation.

These topics are best discussed early and often. People’s choices change over time. Legal matters change as well as medical procedures and other treatment. My mother asked me to promise that we would put her in a nursing home if she began to need assistance with daily activities such as bathing, dressing, cooking and keeping her environment clean. This was when I was 10, just after my Grandmother died. By the time she had reached 70, her attitude had changed.  We knew this because we were able to discuss these issues openly.

The goal here is to help you to get the conversation started and keep it going over time.

Getting started

There are as many routes to the objective (safety and sanity) as there are families taking the journey. Just as you plan a trip, I hope to help you plan your path through your relative’s older years. Looking at the map to plan your route and to check for alternate pathways is an excellent way to be sure that your trip is as smooth as possible. Planning for your family’s older years will have much the same outcome if you take the time to plan for the journey and anticipate obstacles you may face along the way.

            Because each family has its own individual ideas regarding the perfect trip, this book is much more interested in asking the questions you need to answer in order to plan your route to reach your own best destination. Do you want to take the scenic route, the most direct path, or something in between? The Interstate is often faster with convenient exits for Moneyville, Social City, and Health Care Commons, but there is more to see on the local pathways. The journey may take more time and effort but it can also be more of an adventure to travel the side roads. Your route will be chosen to meet you and your family’s individual needs.