As we age we will lose one parent before the other, most of the time. What will become clear at that time is that there is a different dynamic between caring (providing help) for both parents and providing the same or similar help for the remaining parent.
When both parents are still alive, they will be helping each other and maybe moving into new roles within their relationship. If Mother becomes ill, Daddy may find himself taking on the activities of daily life that she has usually been able to complete. This may be cooking, cleaning and other activities traditionally taken by women. If Daddy is ill, Mother may be taking on (or attempting to take on) maintenance for the house, keeping the car in good condition and any other task that Daddy usually completed. The bottom line is; if one parent becomes ill, the other will probably take on all of the activities of daily life while trying to provide care for the sick person. They will both need help with this, especially if they are still working. Be aware of the need and offer to help support the well parent and maybe take some responsibility for caring for the ill parent. The tricky issue here it to find the right amount of help to give.
After one parent dies, caring for the remaining parent is a different matter. You will be able to be sure that your remaining parent (statistically more likely to be your Mother) is trying to do it all alone. Knowing what part of the day to day tasks have not been easy for the remaining parent will help you to decide what type of help to offer. It is also to be remembered that you are not intruding in a relationship if you are caring for one remaining parent. There is still a dance to do but the steps will change.
These concerns will also apply to other aging relatives. If you are in the position to help other relatives, whether they are single or in a long term relationship your help will need to shift around that relationship. It is well to have the conversation early and at intervals along the way.
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