Day to Day needs to keep up with cleanliness

As we age we will all gradually lose our ability to perform simple daily tasks or at least to find them more of a challenge. As our muscles lose mass and strength, lifting a gallon of milk or other beverage becomes more difficult. Changes in vision will require brighter lights to allow us to read labels, magazines and books. We are more prone to broken bones as our skeletons become more fragile over time.
We need to be aware that these things are also happening to our aging relatives and friends. There will be opportunities to provide assistance in subtle ways such as asking if a family member will come along on a shopping trip that you are already making. When you stop by for a quick visit, take a moment to pitch in with fixing the food or cleaning up after. If your family member is finding housework to be too much you may give them a maid service as a gift for a special occasion. Approach the maid service carefully, they may not take easily to the suggestion that they are not able to do the house work independently.

Finding the most suitable living arrangement - Part 3

More about the ongoing saga of KS. We went to a continuous care facility on Friday and got a good look at the Assisted Living part of the campus. There are apartments for independent living and a nursing home area for those who need more intense care. It is a lovely facility but not really for KS.
Even though KS has the resources to enter this facility there are issues. The way I found out about this issues was by taking the time to listen to her. Listening to our aging relatives is the best way to understand what they want, what they fear and what they find uncomfortable. In the case of the LG continuous care facility, KS felt that they were too far from the geographic area with which she is familiar (10 miles is too much for her) and the facility has a religious basis that is more rigid than KS would find comfortable.
KS told me all of these things indirectly at first and then more directly when I asked for her opinion directly. If we take the time to ask questions and then listen attentively to the reply we will be able to be supportive of our loved ones need for independence as well as our need for them to be safe. They must be as actively involved in the decision process as they are able.

Living Arrangements for the Aging -What's out there

I have recently been posting about my friend's search for a new and more suitable living arrangement. We have been looking at Assisted Living facilities and tomorrow we will tour a Continuous Care facility. Many of the services that each of these offer are similar but there are specific differences between them.
Assisted Living facilities will usually charge a one time community fee and a monthly rental on the space to be occupied. This will be a room and bath at the least but will often also include a kitchenette with a space for a microwave and a small refrigerator. Some larger units will also have a small second room as well. Meals are supplied in a communal dining room and there will be support services to keep things clean, get the laundry done and support your loved one with taking medications. Depending on the facility, these services will be included in the rent or may be additional cost as needed. Nursing care will be available 24 hours a day when needed.
Continuous Care facilities have more options and a resident can move through the facility depending on the amount of care they need at any time. It is possible to move from independent living with meals and access to medical support all the way to a nursing home placement if it were to become necessary. There is generally a larger buy in fee than for Assisted Living along with the monthly rental fee but this will allow you to be sure that your loved one will be well cared for with a minimum of disruption as they age. There will also be an age restriction for the youngest age at entry to the facility.
Either option is worth considering if you can take your time and work through the process before there is an urgent need for a new place to live.

Finding an Appropriate Living Arrangement - Part 2

Last time I alluded to the challenges presented by KS's supposedly adult stepchildren. She has a life estate for the house. This means that she may stay in the house until she chooses to leave but the house will become the property of her stepsons if she moves to another home. Unfortunately, her stepsons and their wives are pushing her attorney to push her to leave the home as soon as possible. They are being everything but helpful.
These young men are prime examples of how to NOT handle your parent's second spouse. While there are those who prey on vulnerable seniors this is still the exception rather than the rule. You need to step back and put your first response in neutral to review the reality with a minimum of emotion in the mix.
Questions to ask yourself include: Is this person good to my parent? Does my parent appear to genuinely care for this person? If this is a union based on financial benefits, do they both benefit? Are they better together than separately?
It is also best to set greed aside in these situations. If there is a particular object you want to have from the house and it was left to the surviving spouse, ask nicely. If they do not want to give it up right away, maybe they will leave it to you in their will. If they feel that they need to sell items to provide for living expenses, ask to be offered the items before anyone else. Of course, if your step parent is reduced to sell items to make ends meet, you may consider how much more help you should try to offer.
All in all, talk to each other, open the lines of communication and try to see in this person what your parent did.

Finding an Appropriate Living Arrangement - Part 1

Wow, what a week! Well actually, two weeks. A friend has recently been widowed and since she has no family living close enough to be of help, a couple of us have stepped up to help her deal with the issues resulting from her husband's death.
Her attorney friend is dealing with issues around the estate, her chronologically adult stepchildren and the utter chaos in the house. RS, her husband had a progressive dementia and began to hoard cats several years ago. Unfortunately, most of the 20 plus cats were feral even though they were in the house. Their waste (and the resulting smell) will need to be removed from the home to restore it to sanitary conditions.
An additional challenge to cleaning up the house is that both of them were hoarders. The house is littered with papers, furniture (she had a home before the marriage) and items that were in the collections that RS had amassed over the years. Add this to the general accumulation of stuff from his being in the house for more than 55 years.
In the midst of this, we have managed to get KS to consider moving to an assisted living facility. She will be living in more sanitary conditions, her meals will be provided and being around people will keep her from becoming socially isolated. We have been to two facilities so far and will look at at least one more before she makes a decision. The problem for KS is that she has mental health issues that make it very hard for her to make choices without second guessing herself. She also has trouble remembering what questions have been answered and what the answers were if she doesn't write it all down.
I will keep you posted as the saga unfolds.

Death and the Aging

It has been quite awhile since I posted a blog entry. Life has gotten ahead of me in the form of a crashed hard drive and in the middle of all that, death has also paid a visit.
As anyone can tell you, death comes to all things that live at one time or another. In this case, my 84 year old cousin passed away. Her funeral was a celebration of her life and we all had the chance to formally say good-bye. This formal leave taking is the true purpose of funerals.

Of course, as we age there are increasing numbers of funerals to attend as our elders begin to die and then as we get even older, our contemporaries will die as well. It is important to help our aging parents to participate in this solemn ritual that is a part of all life. If they have any difficulties in getting to the place of the services, take the time to provide transportation. Most places are accessible and will find ways to get people in no matter what the challenges may be.

These occasions will offer the opportunity to learn what your aging relatives may want if you don't yet know. I am not advocating that you ask directly but if you listen you may pick up a clue or two. My first thought at my cousin's funeral was that she had been cremated because there was no casket and a recent photo was displayed at the altar. As it turns out, she had made arrangements ahead of time to contribute further to society by donating her body to science. Her choice stimulated plenty of conversation at the "victory feast" luncheon that was held after the services. Plenty of people were very open about what they had in mind.

Protecting the Aging from Excessive Heat

Here we go again! We just posted several days of 90 + degrees and summer is still three weeks away. Now is the time to pay close attention to our aging friends and relatives. They are more prone to become dehydrated and will often forget to drink enough to prevent problems. Of course, it is not uncommon for them to restrict water because they don't want to need the bathroom all that frequently. They are also at risk to not notice the signs of dehydration until they are really in trouble.
My best trick for getting them to drink enough liquid is to find a particular glass and give them specific instructions to drink 3 or 4 glasses full from that glass. The number of times that they should fill the glass each day is calculated to give them at least 32 ounces of water each day. This water in addition to the liquid in their food and taken with meals will help them to stay hydrated.
Notice that you need to keep hydrated yourself. Drink water, juice, milk or soda to keep up your hydration. Avoid caffeine because it pushes your kidneys to put out more liquid and you will be defeating your purpose. Alcoholic beverages should also be avoided because they will also interfere with staying hydrated.