Family dynamics in crisis

As we are growing up we have the role that we play in the family and these will not change just because we are all grown up. In fact, the roles even become more rigid over time if nothing is done to change the dynamics. We also need to be aware that if one person changes everything else becomes unstable. When a family finds itself in a crisis situation, each person will usually act and react in a well established pattern.
There is the person who is "in charge" who takes care of everyone else and makes sure that what needs to get done gets done. The flaw here is that there is no one to step up if the person needing help is the one who has always been the organizer. This also interferes with other family members learning how to cope for themselves. This person is also less likely to ask for help or to accept help when it it offered.
The person who always finds humor in things can relieve pressure but can also keep folks from taking things as seriously as they should be. This person distracts everyone from the problem because they do not want to face the issue. This family member will find it hard to accept that Mother or Father needs help and may sabotage the efforts of the organizer.
There is also a behavior pattern that distracts from a problem by being a more "urgent" problem. This pattern will pull energy and resources from an aging relative who needs help. If this person has managed to grow out of this pattern it is hard for the family to trust that help offered will be there if it is accepted. Take the time to ask for help from this family member based on recent behavior rather than historic behavior.

Pets and the Aging - Part II

Having a pet is often a very good thing for us as we age. This is especially true for those of us who live alone. The companionship is comforting and being responsible for an animal is a reason to get up in the morning. Unfortunately, there can be too much of a good thing. In the last two weeks there have been at least three separate hoarding events in the news that involved animals.
The most common types of animals involved in these cases are cats or dogs. They are easy to collect and if they are not spayed or neutered they will produce new litters regularly. Many towns and cities have ordinances that limit the number of pets someone can own. There is a very good reason for this. Both the animals and the people will soon find themselves in an unsanitary and unhealthy situation if there are more than the home and grounds can reasonably handle. Cats and dogs need room to move around, a suitable place for them to "do their business" and a clean place for food and water. Cramming large numbers of animals in a small space is not fair to the animals or the people involved.
If your family member is hoarding animals, give them the opportunity to find homes for the excess animals. If this is not going to happen without intervention, call the animal control office. They will come and remove the animals and provide you with information regarding the next steps to take.d

Pets and the Aging

Pets are an important part of the lives of many people. I grew up with a dog in the house. (Yes, a dog. He was 18 when he died) and most of my friends had dogs or cats as well. Animals are a part of the family and a source of comfort to most of us as we begin to find our friends and families becoming more distant for a wide variety of reasons. Our pets love us back without reservations and they keep us active as we care for them. This is especially true with dogs as they need to be taken for walks which benefit us as much as it does them.
As our loved ones age, they may find that it is more difficult to care for their beloved pets. It is in the best interest of everyone to do what can be done to help them to continue to provide for pets that are like additional children. If your parents need to move into a facility to obtain regular care but cannot take the dog or the cat, it is only right that you do what you can to see that their beloved companion has a good home. That may be with you or may be with a good home elsewhere if you cannot take them in.

Listening to Our Aging Relatives

Listening is something we all think we are doing all the time. Multitasking by texting while we are also in a conversation or playing a game on the computer while we are on the phone may lead to incomplete understanding of what was said. This can be especially a problem if we are having a conversation with our aging relatives.
We need to be present in mind as well as in body when we are talking with our relatives, friends and acquaintances. Listening is an active process. Paying attention to what is being said, noting non-verbal clues and knowing what has already been said in the conversation are all ways to listen actively. Do not think of your reply before the other person stops speaking. Ask for clarification of a statement that was made. Restate something or paraphrase it to be sure that you understood. All of these practices will improved communication.
Another thing we need to keep in mind while we are talking with our aging relatives is that they do usually have something to say. They have many years of experience and may provide a new point of view to enliven the discussion. They may also be giving you an opening to discuss uncomfortable issues such as money concerns, safety concerns or end of life issues. How they feel about the last days of a friend or relative can give you a hint about how they want to be treated.
We also need to allow them to be happy, sad, fearful, angry or any other emotion that presents itself. Nodding and making "listening noises" (I see, and then what happened, really!?) will encourage them to share what is really going on. You need to acknowledge how your relative is feeling about an issue, do not assume that they want you to fix whatever is wrong and do not try to minimize what they are feeling.

Supporting New Hobbies and Pursuits

As we age many of us find that old hobbies and activities are not so pleasurable as we once thought. Our abilities change, the activity becomes associated with a negative memory or we simply lose interest. Those of us who are intellectually lively will usually seek out a new interest. Meeting a new friend or beginning to date someone may also stimulate the desire to learn new things. The same situation holds true for our aging relatives.
Just because someone decides to become involved with new pursuits does not mean that they have taken leave of their senses. Learning about new things or starting a new career are clear indications of being an active participant in life. Your loved ones deserve your support in the new activity.
One thing you need to do when this new activity breaks out is to be sure that your loved one has the physical capability of participating safely. Be sure that they have checked with the doctor and are taking appropriate safety precautions.

Information: More is Better

As we age and find that our bodies are trying to betray us, we will need the assistance of others for day to day activities and decisions will need to be made regarding health care. When we find ourselves helping with these decisions for our loved ones the steps we need to take are much the same. Ask questions until you and your family are satisfied that you have enough information to make a good choice.
What constitutes a good choice is unique to every person and family. Some folks may want only enough care to be comfortable and others may want everything that the medical community can provide. Most of us will fall somewhere in between. We also need to remember that choices may shift over time and our health care proxy needs to know if we have had a change of heart concerning what level of care we want so that our desires may be respected.
It is also important to be sure that our health care proxy is able to follow through with our wishes. If we want to be made comfortable and decline the use of machines or feeding tubes to keep us alive and our health care proxy is insistent that all medical science be attempted to keep us alive there will probably be a moral dilemma to be resolved if and when these choices need to be made. 

Power Of Attorney for Health Care

I have recently been asked about assisting with getting a man transferred from one treatment facility to another. The problem is that the lady asking for help is not the person named in the POA (power of attorney) that this gentleman executed several years ago. Another issue is that the person named as POA does not have a copy of the document and was unaware that he had been named. Additionally, he lives on the Pacific coast while the person needing assistance is on the Atlantic coast. Thankfully, the gentleman needing help is able to give consent to the move.
There are several problems in this scenario that could have been avoided. Always notify the person you name as your healthcare proxy and provide them with the original of the document. You should keep a copy for your own records. It is also advisable to name someone who is geographically close so that they can get to you quickly in the event you need to activate the healthcare proxy. The need to have someone make healthcare decisions on your behalf may occur suddenly (accident, stroke, loss of consciousness) or over a longer period of time. The person will not know if you need help if they only see you a couple of times a year and talk on the phone once or twice a month. If you have a sudden change in your condition, decisions will need to be made quickly.